{2/52} - Food

We had Lou's friends over for a wonderful dinner. Coq au vin using this fast, and probably not very authentic, recipe. I've made it before and it looks like an impressive meal. At least I feel fancy serving it. We kept the meal simple with bread, green beans, and potatoes.
For dessert during Samsara I served a cranberry cake. That was the new recipe of the week. It was ok, easy to make but not the taste sensation I was hoping it would be. I served it with Smitten Kitchen's cranberry sauce on top and a scoop of ice cream. 
Dinner with the kids and their friends (usually Lou's) is always a good time. We laugh and talk about disgusting stuff. We tease and joke and have seconds and get rowdy. It's what I think life is all about. Dinner and sharing it with the ones you care about. 
C told me I should let NPR know about our dinners, they had a "call for submission" about what dinner is like at your house. But I am at a loss for how to explain the experience. I invest so much time in preparing a feast for those I invite, and it is such a brief part of our day, but in so many ways it is the most important time we spend together. I don't think we really even realize what a big part of our lives it is until we get too busy (which occasionally happens). 
This meal was the last big one before Lou went back to Chicago. I'm glad her closest friends could join us. It was their first time watching Samsara and it was funny listening to them. It is an evening I won't forget spending with Lou in the city. We had no idea how it would open our brains to new things to think about. It showed us the world. I'm glad I own it and can't wait to share it with others at a grown up dinner soon!

{2/52} - Photo

Morning Coffee

This week I got my hair cut. Cut. Not colored :) I always end up going too long between dye jobs and I am not sure why. It doesn't take that long or cost that much; I just don't make it a priority. This project just might change that! My last haircut was in August and, for the most part, I have just had it trimmed for years. It was getting fairly long. Not anymore. It was a spur of the moment change that I think was just what I needed.
The tripod has been moving around the house with me and I really appreciate the immediacy of the image on the point and shoot, but I am loading the Pentax with black and white film today. If I am lucky, I can take a break from carpet shampooing tomorrow and shoot the duaflex.
Looking at all of these images I have snapped from different angles has me thinking about something. Posture. I need to keep my shoulders back. How many times did my mom yell at me? How much did Judy Blume's Deenie scare me? I need to do something to exercise and strengthen my core now or I am going to look older than I am.
I am also wondering what I will do with all of these photos. Make some kind of collection of them? I would love to have one of my Mom. To see her through her own eyes would be amazing. There is a curious thing about Moms that I have only thought about more in-depth recently. Since reading Please Look After Mom by Kyung-Sook Shin, I realize how easy it is for children to lose sight of their mother as an individual and just see her in the role of caretaker. They rely on her care but forget she has opinions, thoughts, and dreams. I have been a mother my entire adult life, unofficially from the age of 12, and maybe I have forgotten that I have dreams? That I am an individual? This project is going to force me to really think about how I want to portray who I am.    
 

{1/52}

I have no idea how to start this portrait challenge so I kept it basic with this spur of the moment Instagram pic. It will have to do. 

This week I have been hauling the digital around with me mounted on the tripod and snapping with the self timer. It is just a basic point and shoot, refurbished even, but it has been my old reliable. I am still angry that I lost the one C gave me for Christmas last year. 

I am not sure how I am going to work out shooting film and making regular posts. I am not always on the ball about developing. So I think I will do some of each. There may be weeks where the digital photo is added before the film one. That makes sense. Take the pic with both cameras and have a monthly round-up of the film versions. Deal, that is how we will do it. 

I did try to invest in an air shutter release, but the 20' one malfunctioned. I have a shorter one now. I'll still have to pick up a longer one if I want fun pictures. 

In recipe news, last night I made a Smitten Kitchen recipe for us and Neela. Tomato-glazed meatloaves with brown butter mashed potatoes. I didn't take any pictures of it, but it was amazing. I will definitely make it again, but I won't peel the potatoes and I won't forget the second round of worchestishchestshirishe sauce.  Lou says I should put more glaze on them while they are baking so I will also do that. 

Hope you are having a fun week. Within the last 7 days we have acquired 2 new cameras. I am shooting the duaflex asap, I already have the film for it. 

 

I found this one at the Nearly Nu shop, I don't think we will be able to shoot it, but it will make a dandy bookend.

Good Morning, Good Morning, Good Morning

AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season. Ours was nice, not as easy as we expected but also easier for me in some ways because I let go of some of the expectations I had. 
We limited the gifts to 4 presents each: Want, need, wear, read + our homemade presents for each other. Our homemades were a delightful mix, E made each of us journals, M designed button monograms (which sounds fancier than they actually were- BUT he hates crafts AND had a broken arm), C made bath fizzies for each of us, and I was inspired by one of my jail lessons to rewrite fairy tales for each of them.

Every year on New Years Day I write myself a letter at futureme.org to be sent on my birthday. Just a little check-in with myself about what I had on my mind for the year and where I was at. On occasion I write myself back on my birthday to be delivered on New Years. It is one of my favorite traditions. 

I made a few resolutions this year. The first being a 52project - I plan on taking 52 self-portraits this year. I got the idea from Soulemama's blog, she was giving away a spot in an online group that provides themes and community for women taking on this challenge. Seeing whereas I don't have the funds for the group and I didn't win the giveaway, I am on my own; but just as excited to embark on this journey. I think I will learn alot about photography and myself. And at the end, I will maybe end up with a photo of myself I like. 

For my second resolution, I was inspired by Leigh-Ann's instagram post for a Design Sponge challenge. She didn't want to say she was going to eat healthier, because what exactly does that mean? So she committed to one new recipe a week! Brilliant and fun! I'm excited to watch her progress. She is also doing a photo challenge and an art challenge!

There are other goals and hopes and dreams I have for this year. Going back to school, reading lists to accomplish, and those pounds I have to make friends with or banish. But those are things I am going to do regardless if I make them an official "resolution". I want my resolutions to be fun- I resolve to play and have fun with my hobbies!

In knitting news, I am finishing Lou's scarf this week. Next I have to finish a pair of socks that are just missing the toes and then I can pick a pattern and yarn to make MYSELF a hat to go with my new coat. 

What are your resolutions? Where are you headed this year? What are you looking forward to?

 Oh Lordy! I hauled home some furniture from the side of the road today. Not sure if I am going to keep it, but it coordinates with the Brasilia so well. Maybe it is the new television stand? And then the triple dresser moves into my bedroom? And the yellow chest goes into Emily's room? But then where will the bookcase go? Oh, the trouble of living in a small house and having a furniture obsession. 

I don't want to get rid of the yellow chest. It was the first furniture C and I bought together. And it ruined her back, so I feel obligated to love it forever. Plus, it is a fine, solid piece of furniture. 

If someone had driven past and seen me loading the stereo console into the Camry all alone, they would have thought I was nuts. I have never really hauled much home from the side of the road before. It was fun, but it would have been easier in a truck and with a best friend. I managed to get it in the trunk, even though I ended up covered in spider egg sacs.

While huffing and puffing and cussing the bungie cord that wouldn't quite reach, I remembered what family I come from. A family of women that never needed a man's help to move anything. From a very young age I helped haul furniture from room to room and up and down stairs. There was NO WAY I couldn't load this up. (This might be what was going through C's head when the dresser vs. back showdown happened too.) Even Emily, when she was like 9 years old, helped me move dressers to the basement. I remember the kids crying when our first attempt ended with the dresser wedged in the stairwell and me trapped in the basement. She makes me proud by carrying on the tradition of women in our family flexing their muscles when it comes to redecorating. My focus on grooming Emily into a moving buddy may have resulted in Matthew becoming completely worthless though. Which is not going to be pretty when he gets home tonight and has to help me get the console in the house for its first cleaning.

I was already reminiscing about my Mom earlier today. It is strange how much I don't really know how she felt about things. Is it just the length of time since we have been able to talk to each other, or is my perspective of what I want to know changing with age? I kind of thought about asking her best friend to coffee to see if she could answer some of my questions. I don't know if that would be weird or not. I just wonder why she didn't have more close friends. Why didn't she date at all? Was she happy? I think she was happy with us, but there is a difference between being satisfied as a mother and happy as a woman. Also, what really happened the night I cut my leg and had stitches? Is there anyone that can tell me?  Usually I miss her pretty bad around my birthday. That has lessened some over the years, but I sure could use some help in learning how to let Lou go to college. 
I thought my time of feeling out of place as a parent was over. When they went to Kindergarten, I was the youngest Mom and always felt judged by the other parents. I never had any friends my age that had kids that were at the same stages as mine. I feel like, for the most part, my journey as a Mom has been a solo flight. Now I have to keep hearing, "You can't be old enough to have a daughter in college!" I am. And I don't know how to reply to that without getting mad. "I had her as a teenager and managed to not screw her up." "I was a teen Mom, but not like what you see on MTV, and have raised a daughter that will do better than I ever did." I will not say I made a mistake when I was a teenager. The kids were never that. I made a sacrifice of my life when I was a teenager and my reckless actions caught up with me. A sacrifice of my dreams for their success. And now seeing them succeed is my only wish. 
Ugh, Ok time to not be so serious. Want to know which song always makes me dance and sing along? My Life by Billy Joel. I love it.

Lyrics:
Got a call from an old friend
We used to be real close
Said he couldn't go on the American way
Closed the shop, sold the house
Bought a ticket to the West Coast
Now he gives them a stand-up routine in L.A.

I don't need you to worry for me cause I'm alright
I don't want you to tell me it's time to come home
I don't care what you say anymore, this is my life
Go ahead with your own life, leave me alone

I never said you had to offer me a second chance
(I never said you had to)
I never said I was a victim of circumstance
(I never said)
I still belong, don't get me wrong
You can speak your mind
But not on my time

They will tell you, you can't sleep alone in a strange place
Then they'll tell you, you can't sleep with somebody else
Ah, but sooner or later you sleep in your own space
Either way it's okay to wake up with yourself

I don't need you to worry for me cause I'm alright
I don't want you to tell me it's time to come home
I don't care what you say anymore, this is my life
Go ahead with your own life, leave me alone

I never said you had to offer me a second chance
(I never said you had to)
I never said I was a victim of circumstance
(Of cirumstance)
I still belong, don't get me wrong
You can speak your mind
But not on my time

I don't care what you say anymore, this is my life
Go ahead with your own life, leave me alone

(Keep it to yourself, it's my life.)
(Keep it to yourself, it's my life.)
(Keep it to yourself, it's my life.)
(Keep it to yourself, it's my life.)


 

The New Normal

I am trying to find a routine to my days and weeks. Trying to make the adjustment to dinner menus for 3, one of whom believes meat and donuts are the only sustenance he needs. I tried to suggest a new seating chart for the table so we would be grouped closer, but that was rejected. Now we sit from end to end of the 6 seater. I think every single one of my meals has involved wine.I wasn't joking when I said that was going to be my new hobby. ;)

So many changes for me, mostly, although I know everyone feels different. I have to give more Moe-Moe snuggles. Plans need to be made to have the dogs taken care of during long 12-hour shifts. I have a new address to memorize. Different closets to put clothes in, and a different way of doing laundry altogether. No one to pick up at 3:00 because soccer doesn't end until 5. Alot more time alone for me, really. And it is strange, trying to settle into this pattern. It just doesn't feel right.

I know there are thousands of parents out there just like me;I imagine mothers having the hardest time. It is just so strange not knowing every detail and everyone she knows. I am so excited and so proud and so devastated at the same time. It is a tricky place to be and still portray myself as "adjusting well". Difficult to find the balance of "letting go" and being a safety net.

It is hard not to text every morning my standard goodbye, "Make good choices" which means everything. Be safe. Be aware. Be smart. Think of the future. Make a difference. Eat a healthy lunch. Be friends with the right people. Be proud of yourself.

It is even harder not to end the day with my standard question, "What was the best part of your day?" It has been a part of our lives since Lou's Kindergarten teacher, one of the best teachers she's ever had, told me that was a better way to get her to talk than just asking what they had learned. I was so frustrated then that I was not a part of her day and all she would tell me is that she had done "nothing" all day. I was not the only one that had a transition then either. In the beginning, Sonny used to save half of his lunch for her and she would come home with half of hers still in her lunch box. They would sit and share at 3:00 every afternoon.

The reality is, I'm not a part of her every day now. I am not supposed to be. I know she is adjusting to a new pace of life, a new way of thinking and living. It is something she has to face on her own and I am so glad she made it to this point. None of my nieces and nephews have gone to college, most didn't even finish high school. I want every door to be open for her. I want her to forge the way for Sonny so he can focus on his next steps. I want them to do better than I have in every way.

With hockey practices just around the corner and a new work schedule, my dinner plans will be all shook up again. There are new activities to plan for and new goals to be made. Again,like when she started Kindergarten, I feel so out of place compared to other people my age. Most will still have their babies home for many years, while I forge ahead into a different future. I will learn to flow with another new normal. I will make good choices. 

     

Onward and Upward

Another school year has started for us. In some ways it is the same, and in so many ways it is different. We are getting used to a new rythm, one that we have never danced to before. 
I was left behind on Matthew's first day of school, he rode with a friend. I still got up and made him a wonderful candlelit birthday breakfast before he flew out the door. I am still not used to them having friends that can drive.  He looked wonderful in his new clothes. And for once he got some reasonable shoes that I don't think are hideous. I do feel bad that his first day has been on his birthday the last few years, he kind of gets ripped off by having to share the first day of school budget and fanfare.

Today is Emily's first day of class. I know what she was planning on wearing, but I don't know if that is what she went with. And I am not entirely sure which class she has today. 
Dropping her off and getting her settled in was fun. The actual unloading process was very easy and her room is big and bright with a wonderful view. She is definitely in the heart of downtown. I hope her roommates are keepers. 
The programs the school had for parents were encouraging and they were smart enough to fill the broken-hearted Moms with liquor Saturday night.  She had a ton of programs to attend too and this weekend she will be busy exploring the city. 
It will take a while to adjust to one less heartbeat in the house. I am already counting the days til parent weekend so I can go visit and see all that she has learned.
So many parents there were concerned about what kind of jobs their children would have after school. I have never worried about that. She will be doing what she was always meant to do, and I can teach her to be poor if neccessary. So much of what is truly valuable cannot be bought, there is no price tag for innate happiness. 
I did realize I pretty much fail with the Pentax. When I have film, I don't have the camera. When I have the camera, I don't have film.... Someday I will get it right. Hopefully soon.