I am trying to find a routine to my days and weeks. Trying to make the adjustment to dinner menus for 3, one of whom believes meat and donuts are the only sustenance he needs. I tried to suggest a new seating chart for the table so we would be grouped closer, but that was rejected. Now we sit from end to end of the 6 seater. I think every single one of my meals has involved wine.I wasn't joking when I said that was going to be my new hobby. ;)
So many changes for me, mostly, although I know everyone feels different. I have to give more Moe-Moe snuggles. Plans need to be made to have the dogs taken care of during long 12-hour shifts. I have a new address to memorize. Different closets to put clothes in, and a different way of doing laundry altogether. No one to pick up at 3:00 because soccer doesn't end until 5. Alot more time alone for me, really. And it is strange, trying to settle into this pattern. It just doesn't feel right.
I know there are thousands of parents out there just like me;I imagine mothers having the hardest time. It is just so strange not knowing every detail and everyone she knows. I am so excited and so proud and so devastated at the same time. It is a tricky place to be and still portray myself as "adjusting well". Difficult to find the balance of "letting go" and being a safety net.
It is hard not to text every morning my standard goodbye, "Make good choices" which means everything. Be safe. Be aware. Be smart. Think of the future. Make a difference. Eat a healthy lunch. Be friends with the right people. Be proud of yourself.
It is even harder not to end the day with my standard question, "What was the best part of your day?" It has been a part of our lives since Lou's Kindergarten teacher, one of the best teachers she's ever had, told me that was a better way to get her to talk than just asking what they had learned. I was so frustrated then that I was not a part of her day and all she would tell me is that she had done "nothing" all day. I was not the only one that had a transition then either. In the beginning, Sonny used to save half of his lunch for her and she would come home with half of hers still in her lunch box. They would sit and share at 3:00 every afternoon.
The reality is, I'm not a part of her every day now. I am not supposed to be. I know she is adjusting to a new pace of life, a new way of thinking and living. It is something she has to face on her own and I am so glad she made it to this point. None of my nieces and nephews have gone to college, most didn't even finish high school. I want every door to be open for her. I want her to forge the way for Sonny so he can focus on his next steps. I want them to do better than I have in every way.
With hockey practices
just around the corner and a new work schedule, my dinner plans will be all shook up again. There are new activities to plan for and new goals to be made. Again,like when she started Kindergarten, I feel so out of place compared to other people my age. Most will still have their babies home for many years, while I forge ahead into a different future.
I will learn to flow with another new normal. I will make good choices.